Posts Tagged ‘tips’
Online Parenting Class For Divorce
Saturday, September 24th, 2011
End A Divorce and Child Custody Conflict Using This One Idea
When Parents cannot coparent, they need to control the contact and communication. Parents need to learn how to ‘Ex’ Communicate with the other parent so they can calm down. Here is one simple rule you can follow to immediately reduce the conflict for both you and your children. Parents need to learn to parallel parent rather than coparent with each other. This means that they have to learn new ways to communicate or stop communicating directly with each other. This article offers parents a simple way to immediately reduce their contact with each other so they can begin to end their custody conflicts. We will discuss the first rule of two, that parents can implement to begin parallel parenting and it will help them calm down.
Visual and Verbal Contact
One of the first things conflictual coparents must understand is that whenever they see (visual) the other parent or hear (verbal) their voice, both parents will experience anxiety reactions. Anxiety reactions can be feeling nervous, having heart palpitations, having difficulty breathing, or being unable to concentrate. These are also called “fight or flight reactions.” The body and mind go into a hyper-vigilant state, while cortisol races throughout the body and mind. Parents experiencing these reactions explain it as if they are being chased by wild animals through the jungle.
These anxiety reactions can last as long as 72 hours or 3 days after every interaction. When parents exchange the children with each other on Friday, Sunday and then again on Wednesday, both parents will experience cortisol reactions on Friday, Sunday and Wednesday. The same kind of anxiety reaction occurs when parents talk to each other on the telephone, or receive or send texts or emails, or see each other in court, or go to coparenting classes together or go to a coparenting counsel session together. If it takes 3 days to recover from every interaction, the parents will constantly stay in an anxiety state. They will never be able to calm down.
While the mind and body are constantly trying to recover and get back to a normal state (homeostasis), the next interaction occurs. This means that neither parent is ever emotionally available to respond to their children. It is as if “the lights are on, but no one is home” for them. To help parents to become emotionally available for their children, they have to stop having daily and weekly interactions with the other parent.
Most professionals do not understand these anxiety-cortisol experiences that occur when parents see each other or hear the voice of the other parent. They often insist that parents “learn” to work together for the children’s sake, which also causes the parents to have even more anxiety reactions. Often, these parents feel like a failure because they cannot coparent together, and keep getting ordered to courses to learn how to get along. They are also labeled, “high conflict coparents,” which is distressing for the parent who really wants to end the custody conflict once and for all.
Contact + Communication=Conflict.
Parents can start to calm down when they understand this follow simple equation: Contact + Communication = Conflict. When parents learn to control the contact and the communication with the other parent, they can significantly reduce the conflicts with the other parent. There are two simple rules to follow that will help to control the conflict. We will talk about the first rule in this post. Rule number one is to:
Eliminate all face-to-face communication and contact with the other parent (including telephone contact) for a minimum of two years.
Eliminate all Face-to-Face Child Sharing Exchanges:
One of the fastest ways to reduce the ongoing anxiety reactions for parents is to eliminate all face-to-face child exchanges. Move all child exchanges with the other parent to a neutral location. For example, the exchange of the children can occur after school, when one parent has dropped the children off in the morning to school, when the other parent will pick them up after school is over. Using a day care facility also works the same way.
The parent dropping the children off is now free to go about their day, without having to be present for the pick-up of the children. When there is a holiday, the parents can find a neutral person to exchange the children, so they do not have to see each other face-to-face. On non-school days, if the children are at least six years old, the parent returning the children can stay in the car and watch them run up to the other parent’s door, or they can walk the children to a certain distance away from the door, to see they arrive safely but to be far enough away that they do not create potential for an eruption with the other parent, (the parents will probably still experience an anxiety reaction, but the potential for a disruption will be lessened by staying away). It is best if the parents can figure out ways to eliminate seeing the other at all, even from a distance.
What if A High Conflict Parent Likes The Face-to-Face Interactions?
In conflictual coparenting situations, there may be one parent who will continue to break the rules so they can have ongoing face-to-face exchanges. There are many reasons a parent may want to keep the contact going with the other parent, some of these reasons include that fact that one parent is not done with the marital relationship and wants or needs to see the other parent to get their “fix.” This is the subject of another article, but in many high conflict cases, one of the parents has tremendous difficulty letting go of the conflict with the other parent. This is why it is even more important that a court order state that there be no face-to-face exchanges, that there be specific details as to how, when and where the exchanges will occur, to eliminate ongoing conflict in front of the children and to calm the anxiety down.
Parents often ask the question, “What about seeing the other parent at an extracurricular event for the children or a school event?” The answer to this question is that for the first two years of practicing the no-face-to-face child exchange rule, parents should not go on the same weekend or weekday to their child’s events, if they know that it will result in conflict for the children and for themselves. This may be a very difficult rule to follow for parents because they will miss out on seeing the children at activities that are not on their time, however, children also experience the same type of anxiety reactions as their parents, but they do not have the power to get their parents to stop fighting, especially in front of them.
When children have witnessed their parents react or they worry that their parents will have an argument, get physical, or make scene at their event because they are in the same place at the same time, the children will remain anxious about the next time it happens. One twelve year old told me that the hair on the back of his neck stood straight out and he was suffocating whenever his parents were together because they always had some kind of negative interaction.
Children are often very relieved to know that both of their parents are not going to show up at the same event so they can concentrate of just enjoying themselves. One young boy told his parents that he hated playing basketball because he could not concentrate anymore during the games because he was always worried about his parents having a shouting match at the games and completely embarrassing him. Because children have the same kind of anxiety-cortisol reactions as their parents, they often negatively anticipate having their parents see each other or talk to each other at their special events because there is always a potential for tension and conflict.
If you cannot implement the “no face-to-face rule” by yourself, then ask your attorney to help you by writing a proposal to the other attorney or parent (if they are self-represented). Have them outline the neutral exchange locations, times and dates if there needs to be a change in the current arrangement. Or, if you have a court hearing coming up, you might be able to request that this rule be implemented into your court order by a mediator or the Judge. If you do not have a hearing coming up, but you do have a mental health professional on your case, ask them for help to create a new plan for neutral exchanges.
The best way to implement this rule is to help the professionals and the other parent to understand how much negative anticipation the children are experiencing because of the face-to-face interactions, and the potential for ongoing conflict can be reduced or eliminated immediately by complying with this one rule. Once you can take control of the amount of time you see the other parent or hear their voice, you will begin to calm down and start being more emotionally present for your children.
*Show this article to your attorney and the mental health professionals on your case. It may help them better understand the cortisol-anxiety reactions you are experiencing during every interaction with the other parent, they may help them stop insisting that you “work together” and learn to get along. You will find that when you implement this one simple rule, you will immediately start to feel less anxious, you will be able to focus your energy on being “with” your children and you will reduce some of the chronic complaints that occur, that drive the professionals crazy when they have to try to settle what they consider “silly” issues that to parents are deal breakers and huge issues.
To learn about the second rule to help parents reduce their conflict, go to the blog post, How to Ex Communicate Part 2 or stop talking directly to the other parent.
To learn more coparenting strategies to get back in control of your life, you may want to take a mini-coparenting course online at www.ParentsInConflict.com.
Was this helpful? I look forward to your comments and questions about this information.
About the Author
Deena Louise Stacer Ph.D.
Dr. Deena Stacer has a doctorate in psychology, with a specialization in high conflict intervention strategies, a master’s degree in leadership, teaching credentials ranging from pre-kindergarten through college and a Bachelor of Science Degree in child development.
Dr. Stacer has been teaching parents since 1983. She have traveled worldwide as a professional consultant and parent educator. She covers topics such as positive discipline for parents, successful stepfamily strategies, stress and anger management, self-esteem, goal setting skills and high conflict resolution techniques for families in conflict.
Dr. Stacer is the Director for the San Diego High Conflict Intervention Coparenting Program, (1997). With both online and live Coparenting education course designed to eliminate conflict between warring parents who are caught in child custody conflicts. Dr. Stacer has worked with over 3000 divorce and child custody cases, in various levels of conflict. She travels worldwide teaching professionals the intervention strategies to help parents end their conflictual child custody cases so they can protect the children. She has been published yearly with articles/chapters on family conflicts and intervention strategies in the Family Law Update Book of Family Law Essays by Aspen Law and Business Publications (2001-2010).
To read more articles about resolving child custody conflicts go to www.ParentsInConflict.info and to read about the online coparenting courses go to www.ParentsInConflict.com . To contact Dr. Stacer regarding training or for parent education related to families in conflict, go to Doc@DeenaStacer.com or call 800-980-0434. Mailing address is 16516 Bernardo Center Dr. # 130, San Diego, CA 92128
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Star Trek Online Ships Guide $24.99 This guide is scheduled to be released on February 2nd 2010. If you preorder today, we will immediately notify you when it becomes available for download. Probably the most anticipated feature of the Star Trek Online game is the starships. Whether you are a hardcore fan of the series or a newbie unfamiliar to the epic adventure, laser shooting starships and colossal fleets are indeed irresistible. Half of your experience in Star Trek Online will be in space with your almighty ship, which will require tactical decisions, a vast array of weaponry, careful warp core power allocation and most importantly, management of skill slots. If your goal is to shoot those battle cruisers down with a lower class starship or take down enemies with one hit during PvE battles, then our Star Trek Online Ships Guide is a must. Highlights of this Star Trek Online Ships Guide Find out the best set-ups for all the most popular and top of the class starships See the whole list of starships featuring their strength, weakness and various informative statistics Discover tactical strategies on how to team up with friends to take down mightier top-notch battleships to gain massive skill points Get a full guide on equipping the ultimate weapons in Star Trek Online or the best bang-for-buck weapons Check out how warp core power allocation can turn your disadvantage situation into your edge in battle Learn to manage your skill slots to boost your enhancements and live to tell your voyage against a fleet of enemy vessels Full ship setup: Your key to a successful career in Star Trek Online is no doubt a powerful ship with the ultimate setups. However, before you can get there, you are faced with plenty of trial and error. Our Star Trek Online Ships guide will take you through the ultimate set-ups for all the biggest demanding starships. Whole list of starships: We have compiled a comprehensive list of all the starships available in the game, furthermore we have analyzed each and everyone of them. Strengths and weaknesses, the compatible weaponry, armory and various other essential sta … |
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Online Learners Expectations and Learning Outcomes. $115.71 With the increase of educational programs and classes offered online, any people have taken advantage of the convenience of these offerings. Along with the rapid growth of distance learning, there has been a reported high attrition rate among online learners. Some research suggests that part of the attrition involved student expectations not being addressed or realized. While much research has been done on online learner characteristics and quality of distance education courses, little has been done in relation to the learners expectations of the class, their perception of personal learning, and their sense of satisfaction. Therefore, the purpose of this study was to investigate the relationship of a set of three variables that measure student expectations in online classes and a set of three variables that measure perceived outcomes. The three expectations used were course relevance, interaction with instructor, and interaction with peers, and these were assessed against the student perception of their own meaningful learning and their satisfaction with the educational experience. The results of this study indicate that there are correlations between student expectations and perceived outcomes. This adds to a better understanding of ways in which some of the dynamics of online learning could be enhanced and learner expectations addressed and perhaps result in a higher sense of satisfaction of the online learners of the learning experience. Author: Hawkins, Gary W. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 130 Publication Date: 2011/09/09 Language: English Dimensions: 9.69 x 7.44 x 0.28 inches |
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Harry Potter Class Pin Set By Noble Collection from Warner Bros. $29.95 This amazing Harry Potter class pin set features 5 pins in all. Hufflepuff, Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and the Hogwarts crest, each finely detailed and hand enameled. Each measures approximately 1.25 inches and wooden collector’s box included. |
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Parenting Magazine’s Baby Must-Haves $12.2 Parenting Magazine’s Baby Must-Haves |
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Head Of The Class Charm Bracelet: Graduation Jewelry Gift For Her $119 It’s a crowning achievement and a treasured time worth remembering! Now, you can celebrate a special graduation – past, present or future – with the personalized Head of the Class graduation charm bracelet. A Bradford Exchange exclusive, this fine jewelry design is custom-made with a meaningful class year engraved on a sparkling heart charm. It’s the perfect way to wear your accomplishment with pride.This esteemed honor will be lovingly reflected in 8 sculpted charms richly plated in sterling silver with accents of 24K gold. There’s everything from a diploma to a graduation cap, star charm and more! Each charm dazzles with genuine Swarovski® crystals that shine as bright as her future. It’s the perfect graduation jewelry gift for her! Hurry, strong demand is expected. Order now! California Residents click here for Proposition 65 notice. |
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Touch Of Class, A Dvd from Warner Bros. $18.95 Being free and easy proves neither free nor easy for married Steve and divorced Vickie when they fall in love. At his harried best teetering between two households, Segal plays sometimes sly, sometimes fumbling Steve. As Vickie, Jackson slings verbal jabs |
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Class of 74 $74.88 Please note that the content of this book primarily consists of articles available from Wikipedia or other free sources online. Class of 74 (and later Class of 75) was a secondary schoolbased, daily soap opera produced by the Reg Grundy Organisation and screened on the Seven Network in Australia starting March 1974. The main characters were a mix of teachers and other school personnel, and students. The series was aimed at a teenage audience. Each episode was 30 minutes; five episodes each week were broadcast, stripped across week nights in an early evening timeslot. The series was renamed Class of 75 for its second and final year. It also switched from black and white to colour during its second year on air. Author: Miller, Frederic P./ Vandome, Agnes F./ McBrewster, John Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 84 Publication Date: 2011/02/25 Language: English Dimensions: 5.98 x 9.02 x 0.20 inches |
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Superstition of Divorce $25.44 This is a pamphlet and not a book; and the writer of a pamphlet not only deals with passing things, but generally with things which he hopes will pass. It is designed merely to note certain fugitive proposals of the moment, and compare them with certain recurrent necessities of the race; but especially the necessity for some spontaneous social formation freer than that of the state. Therefore, Mr. Chesterton does not delve deeply into this subject and does not present an in depth study of the superstition of divorce. Contents: superstition of divorce; story of the family; story of the vow; tragedies of marriage; vista of divorce; conclusion. Author: Chesterton, G. K. Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 152 Publication Date: 2003/07/01 Language: English Dimensions: 11.14 x 8.28 x 0.38 inches |
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Divorce Party Divorce Party Whirls(Pack of 1) $11.25 Decorations make the party! These Divorce Party Whirls will set a fun and fabulous theme for your Divorce Party. Comes with five hanging decorations. |
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Attachment Parenting $92.4 Attachment parenting, a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears, is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, the child forms a strong emotional bond with caregivers during childhood with lifelong consequences. Sensitive and emotionally available parenting helps the child to form a secure attachment style which fosters a childs socioemotional development and well being. Less sensitive and emotionally available parenting or neglect of the childs needs may result in insecure forms of attachment style, which is a risk factor for many mental health problems. In extreme and rare conditions the child may not form an attachment at all and may suffer from reactive attachment disorder as defined in DSMIV and ICD10. Principles of attachment parenting aim to increase development of childs secure attachment and decrease insecure attachment. Although there is research which shows that when mothers are taught to increase their sensitivity to an infants needs and signals. Author: Miller, Frederic P./ Vandome, Agnes F./ McBrewster, John Binding Type: Paperback Number of Pages: 124 Publication Date: 2009/11/24 Language: English Dimensions: 5.98 x 9.01 x 0.29 inches |
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Lord of the Rings Online Champion Guide $21.1 Lord of the Rings Online Champion Guide Is your Champion lagging behind your friends in LotRO? Tired of endless play time with little leveling to show for it? Maybe it’s your equipment, your gear, or just the strategy you’re using to defeat foes. If you’re looking for answers and want to know how you can make your Champion the biggest, baddest fervor-buster in the game, then you need this guide. The Lord of the Rings Online Champion Guide is comprehensive, informative, and will give you new insights into your Champion’s skills, traits, equipment, and more. It includes everything you need to know to make your Champion a powerhouse hero in LotRO! Highlights of this guide include: – Leveling strategies and class quest information to quickly push your Champion through to level 60 in no time – A complete list of Champ skills and how to use them to your full advantage – Deed lists so you can build your traits the right way, quickly, and maximize your Champ’s virtues – Equipment lists for crafted and quest-reward gear, by level, so you’ll know what will best suit your Champion at each level – Walk-throughs for raids, PvP, high-level instances and strategies for winning in these encounters – Gold farming and money-making profit opportunities your Champion can use to always stay in the black From Champion character creation to the final “end game” instances in Lord of the Rings Online, the Champion Guide will walk you through everything you need to know to succeed. The pros and cons of racial choice, play style, and more will guide you through the best way to build your new hero. Already have a Champion and want to make your toon stronger, faster, and harder? The leveling guide in this Champion’s Guide book will move you forward. Traits, skills, and abilities are thoroughly examined so you can find out what you’re missing. Full trait build information is there to show you the best sets for your Champ’s play style. Looking to maximize your Champion’s equipment and gold making speed? It’s all here: the Champion’s Guide shows you how to m … |
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Lord of the Rings Online Minstrel Guide $21.1 Lord of the Rings Online Minstrel Guide Getting nowhere with your leveling? Finding yourself constantly defeated while soloing? Wondering why you never have any gold? Tired of trailing your friends footsteps? The Lord of the Rings Online Minstrel Guide can help with all of this…and more! This guide contains everything you need to know to maximize your Minstrel, making the most of the game and leveling you ahead fast. LotRO provides a thousand ways for your Minstrel to die and only a few know the best strategies for success. This guide will make you one of those few. Highlights include: – Leveling from 1-60 with a step-by-step guide to zones and quests – All the Minstrel strategies you’ll ever need to maximize your healing, crowd control, and damage-dealing solo and in groups – A detailed look at all of the Minstrel’s skills, abilities, traits and how they can be utilized in both solo and group situations to the greatest benefit – Gear sets for your Minstrel, level-by-level, so you never waste another gold on worthless gear you wind up not needing – The best gold-making strategies, independent of grinding, so you’ll never just window shop in the Auction House again This reference also includes step-by-step leveling guides so you’ll know where you need to be and how you can best get there quickly. This includes detailed strategies for each of the class quests you’ll have to complete to make your Minstrel shine. Keep your LotRO play at top notch with advanced strategies for utilizing your Minstrel’s skills and abilities featured in the guide. Learn to solo, group, and even maximize your traits so that your Minstrel is always a step ahead of the crowd. From character creation to level 60 end-game content, this Minstrel Guide has it all. Find out the optimal quest chains to complete, the fastest leveling strategies and the most useful skills, traits and techniques. The Lord of the Rings Online Minstrel Guide has everything you need to make your Minstrel the best in the game! Free upgrades: The purchase of this guide includes free upgrades as soon … |
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Lord of the Rings Online Guardian Guide $21.1 Lord of the Rings Online Guardian Guide If you’re tired of grinding to get to the next level and if it seems like it’s taking forever to build your Guardian up to full potential, this guide is for you. Does your game play start seeming to be more like work because you spend so much time making gold? Wonder why everyone else seems to have prestige gear and you don’t? The Lord of the Rings Online Guardian Guide has the answers you need to take your Guardian to level 60. Learn everything you need to know to take your tank from 1-60 quickly, with the best gear per level and the best success in end-game. Find out how best to make gold along the way, what the optimum gear sets for your play style are, and what strategies will take your Guardian to the top within a week! This guide features: – Step-by-step leveling from 1-60 so you can quickly progress through the ranks – Complete tanking guide so you can master this art that is so crucial to a Guardian’s success – Learn the killer builds for solo, group, and PvP play and how to maximize your Guardian’s skills and abilities – See what the best Guardian gear is, level-by-level, and where you can get it – Get class quest walk throughs and epic quest information so you can take your Guardian all the way to Moria and beyond – Discover the Legendary Items available to your Guardian, where to find them, and how to build them for the best advantage – Get the inside scoop on instances, raids and discover how your Guardian can both shine in battle and come out ahead in the end-game – While you build your tank, learn where and how to make gold and make it fast with proven gold making strategiesLearn to level from scratch or from any point in your game so you can take your Guardian into the ranks of the elite superbly fast. The LotRO Guardian Guide includes basic and advanced tanking strategies, gold making tactics, character advancement, and more so your Guardian can become the greatest example of Guardians in Middle Earth. Find out how to get through the quest areas, levels, and class quests for the Guardian an … |
